This has a great introduction paragraph. I know that you are planning to talk about Celle’s father as the foil and it gives a short and simple synopsis of “The Color Purple”. The next paragraph starts off powerful, talking about the direct actions of Celle’s father and their impact on Celle, “With none to turn to, Celle has no means of coping with her fears; therefore she believes that she should sucumb to a man’s demands.” You make it clear here that her father’s rape made her who she was, a servant to men.
Next you go off topic about her husband. Although it does show Celle’s lack of will power against men, it does not show how her father is her foil. It is important on these timed essays that the question is read multiple times while writing because this paragraph it would have been easy to tie her actions in with her father. Also, you introduce Shug in a way that makes her seem as if she is Celle’s foil, “When Celle meets Shug her entire life changes.” This is confusing when you are trying to show how her father is the foil.
Overall you did okay but just remember to stay focused on the question, you can rant about other characters to friends and family after this paper.
Ana,
ReplyDeleteI agree that this student lost focus on this essay. The introduction of Shug confused the reader because the student presented her as another foil when in reality the father was the foil. I also agree that the beginning and ending paragraphs were the strongest part of the essay. The student gave a nice summary and thesis statement in these paragraphs. The essay would have been very strong if the middle paragraphs would have remained more focused.
Avery
Ana,
ReplyDeleteWhat a great conclusion. You're so sassy with your blog endings! (I mean that in a good way). You also ended your comment on Avery's open prompts response by telling her that seeing Avery rip a student apart is entertaining. Thanks for making me laugh!
I also think this essay lost focus. However, I think the student started drifting even before the middle paragraphs Avery mentioned: I really can't pick out a real thesis that ties into a specific foil in the first paragraph. And remember how an essay that doesn't answer every part of the prompt can only get a 4, which is pretty harsh. Good comments though!
Curtis