Your introduction is confusing, “In the book The Kite Runner, it is discovered that the character Baba is also the father to Hanssan, who was his servant’s son.” I reread this a few times and I think the trouble in this sentence is the word also, what are you comparing this too? Furthermore, it is worded awkwardly. The first sentence sets the tone for an essay and this sentence is showing that you are unsure of what to write. As you continue with the essay it is obvious that you are filling space, we know what a foil is so explaining that Baba “emphasizes the good qualities in Hassan.” is unnecessary.
As you continue you keep your argument very basic with short sentences. If you expand on your thoughts a bit more, your essay will be much better. Also you may think about rewriting the introduction and try to talk about foils in the conclusion, not about the theme of the story.
Ana,
ReplyDeleteI think the main problem with this essay was the students lack of any sort of foil. The student tried to create a foil but the constant contradictions within their argument made it hard to figure out their point. The student also did not provide any sort of literary device that could be used to show the foils. That was the purpose of this prompt and the student failed to do so. I agree that the short sentences made the student seem unsure about their answer. Nice job!
Avery
Ana,
ReplyDelete(I'm just going to lump my response to all of your open prompt analysis into this one post). I read these same essays! I get that addressing the students in first person (you, your) can definitely be helpful in responding to essays, but I till feel weirdly uncomfortable about it. Not that I wouldn't mind having a conversation with Donne or Swift, when we look at literature, even if we are structuring it like a peer review, I'm rather sure we should address the writer in third person ("the writer says this"). Maybe I'm just creeped out by the thought that if you address them in second person then centuries dead poems and college aged ex-AP students could randomly talk back.
Anyway, I agree that 3C was definitely unsure about what a foil was and thus their whole essay fell apart because of it. Perhaps they ran out of time. 3B lacked focus and strayed into summarization for a bit, but even 3C had some plot summarization in the middle paragraphs. Overall, do you think they deserved the scores they were rated? Try to include direct quotations and reasoning for those quotation from every essay, not just most of them! Overall, keep it up, and maybe put all these responses into one post next time?
Hi Ana,
ReplyDeleteSolidly written. The one thing I'd have to say with this response is that I slightly disagree with one of your suggestions. Or I'd just like to clarify it a bit: when you tell student 3C to stay away from theme in favor of hitting foil more squarely, do you mean to advise the student to really tie in the foil's function to theme? That's what this essay really is about: how authors use foils specifically to contribute to meaning.
Curtis